I am zooming in. Both ways.
But actually I am zooming out.
And after all I am seeing.
As I turned 30 last week I thought I was ‘supposed’ to feel awkward, sad, confused and wiser( ?) at the same time. I was waiting till the last minute but that feeling never arrived. There was not much of a difference between the Friday of 29 and Saturday of 30. What changed somewhere in between had been changing from a long time. While I zoom out as I look around me, I realized that I have been zooming in-side.
My journey has only begun in so many ways for I feel I know better than ever what I do not want. All these years after college have been more or less invested in the experimenting and quest of books, hobbies, friends, search of love, a passion..everything that could convey some bigger purpose or answer. While I can almost associate my shift or drift of mind to some particular moments..age came into factor as it enabled me then to experiences I had, enable me to earn, enabled me to take some decisions on my own. In the Indian culture, most of us consult our parents and also in some cases take our decisions seeking the approval of our parents and with age we tend to become more independent as we start working and become financially independent. Not the thumb rule per say but this is how it was for me. So announcing to my family that I would be going for a 11 day excursion to the Himalayas was in a lot ways the time when I grew up. For me, the moment (the specific one) when I stopped to stare at the mighty brown and green murky mountains and felt the tiniest is the moment I grew up somehow inside. I was dwarfed and overwhelmed at the same time as I realized ‘not everything is about me.’ That thought changed my perspective a lot.
I was amazed at how that one realization had the power to inculcate reasoning I never thought I had. Since it was not all about me, I started arguing less, I started forgiving me, I started expected less, I started helping more, I started reading more…it made life easier and smooth in many ways. I am childlike. I know it. I question my behavior sometimes..but I figured that there is no way I am ‘supposed’ to be..and I have stopped tiring myself. As I zoom out..I try to see more and all of a sudden after the Saturday I find myself way busier than before. It is like I am in a some sort of a rush to absorb it all and in that way I am becoming younger? I am trying to waste less time and live more. Like I was telling my husband the other day..there are so many books to read..so many songs to listen to..so many movies to see..so many places to see..So I will rush out of here too only to rush in to many more.